Introduction
This page contains information to help you talk with and support a male survivor of child sexual abuse who you are concerned might be at risk of suicide.
What are the signs a man might be at risk?
Research shows that men who have experienced sexual abuse or assault as children are more likely to experience suicidal thoughts than men in general. While every man’s experience of suicidality is different, and it is important to hear the man’s unique story, there are some common themes that it is worth being aware of.
Here are some of the common factors that can increase the risk of suicide:
- History of childhood trauma
- Blaming themselves for the abuse and/or experiencing feelings of shame
- Heavy investment in traditional masculine norms, such as being self-reliant, suppressing emotions, and being reluctant to ask for help
- Feeling fearful and anxious
- Feeling isolated and alone
- Family or relationship breakdown
- Work or financial problems
- Mental health issues
- Reliance on alcohol and/or drugs
- Poverty
- Having spent time in jail
- Previous suicide attempt/s.
Specific signs that a man might be thinking about suicide, both direct and indirect, include:
- Talking or posting about death
- Talking about feeling hopeless, worthless or seeing himself as a burden
- Losing interest in things he previously enjoyed
- Taking less care of himself and his hygiene or appearance
- Increasing alcohol or drug use
- Being extra irritable or agitated
- Sudden dramatic changes in behaviour, including becoming unusually happy or calm
- Saying goodbye to others and/or giving away his possessions
- Talking or posting openly about suicide generally or about killing himself.
Don’t get too hung up on this list. If your instinct tells you a man you know is in trouble, you are probably right.
How to help
We know that men respond well to practical and relevant information, and to talking with someone supportive who does not make them feel ashamed. Someone who has had a similar experience or troubles of their own will be particularly useful, as men get a lot out of peer support, connection-building and mutual help.
Men benefit from developing a sense of hope, practical optimism, self-knowledge and practicing self-compassion. But how can you translate these principles into action?
Firstly, trust your gut.
If you think something is off with a man you know, it probably is. Whether it is to do with a single big event, or a series of smaller things that have built up over time, it is worth checking in if you feel he is going through a stressful time or seems more down than usual. Alternatively, he might say openly, perhaps in a moment of distress, that he is thinking about killing himself.
Be prepared to act promptly. Talk of suicide should always be taken seriously. It is not true that if a person talks about killing themselves, they are less likely to do it. Don’t assume that he will get better without help, that someone else will step in, or that he will seek help on his own. Reaching out and checking in with him now could save his life.
Talking about it
Prepare to have a conversation with him. Think ahead about what you want to say. Make sure you have all the information you might need (i.e. contact information for services that might help, such as those included in the section ‘Support is available’ below).
Choose a place or a time private and quiet, where he is more likely to feel comfortable to speak. You don’t want to be interrupted and you want to have enough time to talk about what might come up.
Step 1: Ask
The only way to know if a person is thinking of suicide is to ask. Experience has shown that asking a person directly and clearly about suicide is the most effective approach.
Asking directly if a person is thinking about killing themselves can feel awkward and uncomfortable, because of the social stigma attached to suicide and mental health issues. However, naming it directly gives the man permission to talk about what he has been thinking. The more straightforward and clear the question, the better. We recommend some variation of:
“Have you been thinking about killing yourself?”
It is not true that talking about suicide will put the idea into a person’s head. Rather, it creates an opportunity for the man to talk about what is going on. For some people, being asked the question can be a relief. It shows you have been listening to him and are concerned about him, and that you are not afraid of talking about really difficult things.
If the man tells you he is seriously thinking about killing himself, here are some additional questions it is useful to ask:
- Does he have a plan as to how he will end his life?
- Does he have the means to carry out this plan? (For example, does he have access to a weapon, car, drugs, medicines etc.).
- Does he have a time and date when he plans to carry out the plan? (The plan may be conditional on some upcoming event or stressor).
If he tells you, or you believe, that he is at immediate risk of killing himself, stay talking with him, and call 000
You can also ask him:
- What has previously helped him through tough times and could provide a ‘breathing space’ for him right now?
- How can you help right now?
If the man tells you he is not thinking about suicide, simply move on. Keep in mind that perhaps he is struggling in some other way, and your interest might open a door for him to have a conversation about it. Whatever happens, he’ll probably be grateful you’re checking in with him.
Step 2: Listen
Unless you need to take immediate emergency action as described above, invite the man to talk about why he is feeling this way. Take time to listen. Be the friend you would want at your own side in tough times.
Take as much time as he needs. It may take a while for someone to open up. If he pauses while talking, don’t try to fill the silence. Often someone is formulating what they want to say in their head and may have more to share.
Express your interest, care and concern for him, but avoid expressing judgement or offering advice. You might find his reasons for wanting to kill himself impossible to understand, or you might think they are morally wrong. Keep quiet about it. You are here to help him and keep him safe in a time of deep unhappiness. You don’t need to argue against his reasons or try and talk him out of it. In fact, arguing might make his reasons to die feel even stronger to him. It also isn’t helpful to tell him that he has a lot to live for, or that he will upset his loved ones. These arguments tend to cause shame, which again will make the risk of suicide worse.
Step 3: Act
Now that you are talking, identify the next steps.
As described above, if you think the man is at immediate risk, don’t leave him alone. Seek immediate help from emergency services on 000 or Lifeline on 13 11 14.
If the situation does not require emergency action, offer the man your help, if you can, to work with him to get him through this tough period.
- 3.1: Getting help
Some people are reluctant or unsure about getting help. You may find you have to take direct action to enlist the assistance of others, such as friends or family, or of support services. Be honest with him about this, and, while being respectful of his privacy, don’t agree not to call in support services or keep your concerns about his safety a secret (secrecy can lead to increased risk of suicide).
Ideally, get his agreement to connect with appropriate supports, and help him to do so if necessary. Many men who have experienced childhood trauma do not have much history of accessing health and support services, so he may need extra support with this. Talk about ‘help seeking’ as a strength, not a weakness.
Supports could include specialist suicide prevention services (see ‘Support is available’ below), a GP, counsellor, mental health service or health centre, as well as whatever supportive people he has in his life.
If it would help him, offer to accompany him to the appointment. Try to get him to agree to tell the service that he has been experiencing suicidal thoughts. (Check in with him afterwards that he raised the issue).
- 3.2: Planning for safety
If the man is willing, work on a safety plan with him. This is not necessarily a single conversation. A plan might need to be developed over a few talks.
A straightforward safety plan would include:
- Recognising triggers – helping him work out what tends to happen leading up to a period of suicidal thinking. Consider events (e.g. arguments, stress etc.), emotions (grief, anxiety, sadness etc,), thoughts (self-judgement, blame, worries about the future etc.), behaviours (drinking or using drugs more, gambling or other compulsions, avoiding social situations etc.).
- Safe environment – reducing access to means of suicide: removing firearms and sharp objects, keeping less alcohol in the home, asking someone else to administer medications etc.
- Reasons to live – helping him develop a list of positive reasons to live which he normally believes (even if he doesn’t believe them during a suicidal episode). As discussed above, don’t give him your ideas about why he shouldn’t kill himself. Allow him to come up with his own, as these are the only ones which will carry any weight.
- Toolkit for coping – helping him develop a list of things he can do by himself when he is feeling very bad. This could include things that have worked for him in the past and some new suggestions (e.g. music, distracting/entertaining media, fixing or working on things, exercise, breathing or relaxation exercises etc.).
- Socialising – helping him develop a list of people he can spend time with or contact (even electronic contact can help) for distraction and to feel calmer and happier.
- Supportive people – helping him develop a list of a few special people he can call on for help if he is in crisis. If necessary, support him to contact these people to let them know what is going on for him and ask they will help. You also should probably be on this list. Ask him very seriously to promise to call on you when he needs to.
- Professional contacts – helping him develop a list of professionals and services he can call on (see ‘Support is available’ below).
For points 3-7, write these lists down for him and send it to his phone or device, including any contact numbers for people or professionals he doesn’t have already.
- 3.3: Practical support
Finally, you might also offer to help with practical support in keeping things ticking along in his household and life, or help him organise people who can. Managing everyday demands can be useful and help to reduce pressure.
Stay involved
Thoughts of suicide don’t just go away without support or a significant change in circumstances. Stay involved and keep checking in.
Arrange time for regular catch-ups. Stay connected with a balance of face to face, phone chats and text catch ups if possible. Ask him about his needs and what would help. Acknowledge and lean into his interests, resources and strengths. Just as you are there to assist him, be willing to accept help and support from him. If you are family, a partner, or mates, it’s important to also keep doing the other things in life that you normally do together.
Look after yourself
It can be hard to accept that someone close to you is feeling suicidal. Just thinking about suicide can be hard.
In order to be in the best place to help someone else, it is important that you also look after yourself. Make sure you focus on your own self-care and staying connected. Identify someone supportive to talk with, maybe friends, mates, colleagues, a family member or a health professional.
Support is available
There are several specialist services that help people struggling with suicidality. These services can also help you and give you information. If you are unsure about how best to help, you can give one of these services a call.
- Lifeline 13 11 14
24-hour Australian crisis counselling service - 13YARN 13 92 75
- Suicide Call Back Service 1300 659 467
24-hour Australian counselling service - Kids Help Line 1800 55 1800
24-hour phone support and online chat service for children and young people.
You can find out more by checking out the How to help a suicidal friend booklet by Men’s Minds Matter, or the Lifeline tool kit helping someone at risk of suicide. We also encourage you to watch the Supporting someone who is suicidal Lifeline video.
DISCLAIMER: The information contained in this page is general in content and is not a substitute for professional advice.
ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS: This web page was developed drawing on elements of the following: