Ideas and expectations about masculinity play a big part in how we live our lives, and how we make sense about who we are. Stereotypes about how men are ‘meant’ to be can make it hard to talk about trauma or to ask for help. They can have a big impact on how we understand and feel about sexual abuse.
Learning the ‘Man Code’
Think back to what you saw and heard growing up. Who were your male role models, at home and in the media? What sort of things did they do? What feelings or emotions did they express, and how? What did they expect from relationships? What did they expect of themselves?
Most of us learned some version of traditional masculinity, or what we at SAMSN call the ‘Man Code.’ Among other things, the Man Code teaches us that to be a man means being strong and powerful, competent, and in control – or at least, trying to be these things. Being a man means not being vulnerable, not being ‘soft’ or emotional, and not being feminine. It means being a winner, and not a victim.
These stereotypes are talked about as if they were just natural and biological. And yet, in a contradiction, we are also told we have to work hard to be like this (we have to ‘earn’ our ‘man cards’). Even if we don’t agree with these ideas ourselves, we can worry that others believe them and will judge us on them.
The burden of shame
If one of the basic ideas of the Man Code is to be invulnerable, then the fact that a man has experienced abuse can lead him to have feelings of shame.
Shame is a core emotion of human beings. The physiological function of shame is to regulate connection to others. The emotion of shame shuts down behaviours that threaten acceptance in the group, but in humans, it can become very connected to ideas about ‘who we are.’ Shame is a very strong emotion and, because it is linked to fear, tends to overwhelm other feelings.
Shame linked to child abuse can make men believe they are bad, weak, worthless, or broken. This view of the self as shameful can do a lot of damage to relationships, leading to isolation or to controlling or aggressive behaviour. It can create feelings of despair. Survivors have told us that shame is the most difficult emotion to live with in the aftermath of child abuse.
Masculinity and identity
Identities are imposed on us from the minute we are born. We don’t get much of a say in it. Of all of the identities we might ‘own’ – cultural, racial, religious etc. – gender, or sex, is the one that is seen as the most biologically driven. But in fact, ‘masculinity’ is mostly about behaviours, and we have choice about our behaviours.
‘Identity’ is not who we really are, but rather the group or type that we ‘belong to.’ It also acts as a set of ‘rules’ by which we can be judged. We usually experience it as a requirement, or a pressure, to act in certain ways that fit the category. We become aware of these expectations very young, and we try to develop to conform to them. This means encouraging some part of our natural selves, and shutting down others. Because identities are imposed from the outside, there is always some conflict between the rules of the identity and our actual skills and preferences. Sometimes, we can’t conform, and this always carries the risk of shame.
Living as yourself
At SAMSN, our hope is that male survivors will think about and maybe question the Man Code. We hope that survivors can learn to think of themselves as just someone who has experienced trauma, not someone who is defined by it in a shameful way. Because so much of the Man Code seems to encourage shame, we think it’s smart for us to exercise our freedom to think for ourselves.
Of course, growing up as men we learn a lot that is valuable. One way to look at it is that we hang on to the things we have found useful, but allow ourselves to add new behaviours and ways of thinking. What, if anything, you choose to change about how you live your own version of masculinity is your business. But we do have a couple of thoughts we would like to share.
Disconnection and reconnection
Research tells us that what works best for recovering from trauma is connection to people. Nothing calms a triggered nervous system like being with others. But lots of behaviours encouraged by the Man Code reduce, rather than increase, connection.
Relationship therapist Terrence Real, writes:
The way we “turn boys into men” is through injury. We pull them away from their own expressiveness, from their feelings, from sensitivity to others. The very phrase “Be a man” means suck it up and keep going. Disconnection is not fallout from traditional masculinity. Disconnection is masculinity.
Three of the behaviours from the Code that risk driving people away are: competitiveness, status rankings or hierarchies, and aggression.
- Competitiveness: A lot of ‘manly’ activities are based on competition, from sports, to competing at work, to sledging among mates. Competition runs a big risk of shaming the loser, and it discourages honesty and vulnerability. If you are a person who enjoys competition, at least think about the possibilities of being humble and generous as a winner, and being a good loser (the old idea of “sportsmanship”).
- Hierarchies: Linked to the idea of competition is ranking people according to status, especially if it is assumed that ‘higher’ ranks are more entitled to care and respect than ‘lower’ ranks. A relationship with a power differential never feels safe to the ‘lower’ person. This makes real intimacy impossible.
- Aggression: Aggression is not the same as anger. Anger is an emotion, and we can’t help what we feel. Aggression, though, is a type of behaviour. If we allow ourselves to act aggressively in relationships, we create fear. It doesn’t take too many times making someone feel afraid to lose their trust, and this is usually permanent. Survivors of child abuse know that the human body does not let go of fear easily. Fear changes relationships for ever.
If you aren’t sure what Man Code behaviours might drive people away, think about what you have learned about being a man and then ask, does this ever get used to act superior to someone, or control them, or intimidate them? If the answer is yes, these are behaviours you might want to think hard about.
Allowing what has not been allowed
Lots of the ‘rules’ of the Code are about what we are not allowed to do, especially showing softer emotions, admitting vulnerability, and asking for help. As we talked about during the Eight-week Group, being vulnerable and emotionally open increases connection and intimacy. Connection is the best antidote to trauma.
About courage
Men are supposed to be brave. Courage is absolutely a positive trait. But traditional masculinity has emphasised the courage needed to be involved in physical activities, competition, or conflict. But there are other types of courage. Being vulnerable, being intimate, and thinking kindly about the needs of others also take courage.
A final thought about identity and change
If you do decide to make some changes, don’t get hung up on questions of identity. Identity feels like a big thing that is hard to change. Instead, we recommend you think about change in terms of individual behaviours or beliefs. Thinking about a particular behaviour is a whole lot more straightforward, and as it turns out, more practical, than changing your whole ‘identity.’