Introduction
Provided below is information to support you, family members and friends in talking with and helping someone who is at risk of suicide, including material related to assisting men who have experienced childhood sexual abuse.
Acknowledgement
This web page was developed drawing upon significant elements of the below resources
- Lifeline tool kit helping someone at risk of suicide by Lifeline www.lifeline.org.au
- How to help a suicidal friend booklet by Men’s Minds Matter www.mensmindsmatter.org
Who is at risk of suicide?
‘Men are at higher risk of suicide and societal pressure to be tough and independent may discourage guys from seeking help during life’s low points. Other things can increase that risk, like substance abuse, a history of trauma and abuse, isolation, poverty, imprisonment, family or relationship breakdown, mental or physical health issues, and problems with work or money…
There’s no blueprint for understanding what someone’s going through and it’s important to hear their unique story. However, there are things that seem to be common experiences for people who are suicidal. Knowing what these are and how to respond to them can help you to help someone else.’ www.mensmindsmatter.org
Prepare to take action
First things first, if you are concerned that someone you know is considering suicide, be prepared to act promptly. Don’t assume that they will get better without help, that someone else will step in or that they will seek help on their own. Reaching out and checking in with them now could save a life.
If there is an immediate crisis and a person’s life is currently in danger, stay talking with them and call emergency services on 000.
Support is available
Assistance is available from specialist services that have experience responding to suicide and can provide you with information and support. If you are speaking with someone who is expressing suicidal thoughts and unsure how to respond, you can give one of the National Crisis Support Services a call.
National Crisis Support Services you can call
- Lifeline | 13 11 14
24-hour Australian crisis counselling service - 13YARN | 13 92 75
- Suicide Call Back Service | 1300 659 467
24-hour Australian counselling service - beyondblue | 1300 22 4636
24-hour phone support and online chat service and links to resources and apps - Kids Help Line | 1800 55 1800
- 24-hour phone support and online chat service for children and young people.
Become informed
It is useful to become informed about how you can help someone. As well as checking out the Lifeline tool kit helping someone at risk of suicide, by clicking here and the How to help a suicidal friend booklet by Men’s Minds Matter at www.mensmindsmatter.org we encourage you to watch the below Supporting someone who is suicidal Lifeline video
Behaviours to look out for
While everyone is different, sometimes there can be direct and indirect signs that someone is considering or at risk of suicide, including a combination of:
- Talking about suicide, expressing thoughts about death, previous suicide attempts
- Talking of feeling hopeless, helpless, worthless or seeing self as a burden
- Taking less care of himself and his appearance
- Losing interest in things he previously enjoyed,
- Dramatic change in behaviour, including becoming unusually happy or calm
- Saying goodbye to others and/or giving away his possessions
- Being extra irritable or agitated
- Engaging in risky or self-destructive behaviour
- Increasing alcohol/drug use.
Struggles of men who have been sexually abused in childhood
Suicidal thoughts can be a recurring theme for some men who have experienced child sexual abuse or sexual assault. Talk of suicide should always be taken seriously.
Research indicates that men who have been sexually abused in childhood are considerably more likely to experience suicidal thoughts than men in general.
We are now becoming aware of factors that can increase risk of suicidal ideation and suicide among men who have experienced sexual trauma and what can assist in improving their coping and enhancing their wellbeing.
Factors that increase risk:
- Feeling isolated and alone
- Acting violently and aggressively
- Blaming themselves for the abuse, feelings of shame
- Feeling fearful and anxious
- Use of alcohol and drugs
- Loss of hope
- Heavy investment in traditional masculine norms (over-emphasis on being self-reliant, appearing stoic and strong, suppressing emotions, reluctance to access support).
What assists men who have been abused
- Accessing supportive, relevant, targeted information that assists in reducing sense of isolation, self-blame and shame.
- Practical assistance. Working to develop concrete life skills that address the impact of sexual abuse, learning to identify, tolerate and manage emotional distress, reducing anxiety, aggression and misuse of drugs and alcohol.
- Talking with someone who is supportive, partner, friend, worker.
- Talking with someone who encountered a similar event. Men’s well-being is enhanced through peer support , building connections and helping others.
- Developing sense of hope, positive re-interpretation and growth. Practicing optimism, self compassion and self understanding.
Trust your gut if something feels off
All of us can be confronted by tough times, on occasions these can trigger suicidal thoughts and overwhelm our coping resources.
When someone is struggling it could be linked to a single big event that has negatively impacted him, or it could be a series of smaller things that build up over time. Either way, it’s worth checking in with a mate if you are aware he is going through a stressful time, or he seems more down than usual.
If you think something is off, it probably is – trust your gut and check in.
Check in with yourself and identify support options.
Just thinking about talking about suicide can be overwhelming. Before reaching out to check in with him, first check in and actively, anchor and calm yourself. Have an awareness of what you are feeling and take a moment to put yourself in the best space to start this conversation.
Just as it is important that he is supported, we also benefit from support. Consider speaking with a trusted friend or professional, or one of the above identified support services.
You might also check out the SAMSN Wellbeing section and Support Options
Prepare for the conversation
Think ahead about what to say and what next. Do you have details of relevant organisations or resources you could connect him in with?
Ideally, choose somewhere private and quiet, where he is more likely to feel comfortable and ok to speak. You don’t want to be interrupted and you want to have enough time to talk about what might come up.
While ideally you would like to talk somewhere quiet when things are calm, talk of suicide often comes up at stressful times. This is a time to focus in on what he is saying, to listen and be there for him.
Listen and be there for him
- Take time to hear and understand what he is going through
- Listen to what is currently on his mind and what he is feeling
- Express your interest, care and concern for him and his wellbeing
- Avoid expressing judgement or offering advice
- Be the friend you would want at your side t tough times
- Be there.
Respectful supportive conversations can deepen connections, strengthen relationships and save someone’s life.
Be patient
It may take a while for someone to open up. If they pause while they’re talking, don’t try to fill the silence. Often someone is formulating what they want to say in their head and may have more to share. You could count to 5 in your head to give them time.
Be direct and ask him if he is thinking of suicide?
Unless someone tells you, the only way to know if a person is thinking of suicide is to ask.
Asking can feel awkward and uncomfortable. It does though show that you have noticed things are not ok, that you have been listening and that you are concerned about his wellbeing.
Talking about suicide will not put the idea into his head: it can be an opportunity for him to talk about what is going on for him. Most people who think about suicide don’t necessarily want to die, they just would like someone to assist them to reduce their distress.
For some people being asked the question can be a relief, it can open up options to talk about and check out concerns, to foreground safety and obtain help.
If they’re not feeling suicidal, you might feel awkward for a moment then move on. Keep in mind that it maybe that they are struggling in some other way and your interest opens a door to have a conversation about these struggles. Whatever happens, he’ll probably be grateful you’re checking in with him.
Check in and prioritise his safety
If a man has indicated that he is considering suicide it is helpful to know where he is at, how much thought he has put into it, whether he has a plan in place and the means to make it happen and what safety and support options he has.
Ask the following:
- Does he have a plan to end his life?
- Does he have the means to carry out this plan? For example, does he have access to a weapon, car, drugs, medicines – Consider calling emergency services, removing objects to help keep him safe).
- Is his plan conditional or is there a current or upcoming stress that it is useful to be aware of?
- How can you assist?
- What has previously helped him through tough times and will provide a breathing space for him at this moment?
Answers to these questions will guide you where to next. If you are worried and have concerns about his current safety, don’t leave him alone – seek immediate help – call 000 or Lifeline on 13 11 14.
Decide what to do
Now that you are speaking, identify the next step. Be honest, let him know if you have concerns and need to take action to prioritise his safety. Ideally do this with his agreement and in partnership with him.
Some people are unsure or in two minds about suicide and about accessing help. You may need to take direct action, to enlist the assistance of others to persuade him to accept and link him in with support.
Ask for a commitment
Thoughts of suicide often return and when they do it is important for the person to reach out and let someone know. Asking him for a personal ‘commitment’ to reach out makes it more likely that it will happen. Let him know you are serious and would like a genuine commitment from him to call emergency services, Lifeline 13 11 14 or you (if appropriate), if suicidal thoughts return, and to do this before he harms himself.
Act and Connect
Be on the front foot and where possible assist him to connect with an appropriate service provider, like a GP, counsellor, health professional, mental health service or health centre.
Offer to accompany him to the appointment. Obtain a commitment that he will let the health care professional know he has been experiencing suicidal thoughts. Check in with him afterwards that he raised the issue.
Practical support in keeping things ticking along and managing every day demands can be useful and help to reduce pressure.
While being respectful of his privacy, be careful not to agree to keep safety concerns a secret (secrecy can lead to increased risk).
Advocate with and for him. Sometimes a service or health professional may not be capable of meeting all his needs.
Recognise that many men who have an experience of childhood trauma do not have history of accessing health service and support, so may need extra encouragement.
Consider framing ‘helping seeking’ as a strength.
Obtaining assistance in addressing suicidal thoughts may be a step towards accessing support to address some other impacts of childhood trauma.
Stay involved and keep checking in
Thoughts of suicide do not just disappear without support or there being a significant change in circumstances. Stay involved and keep checking in.
Arrange time for regular catch-up and check ins. If you are mates, it’s important to also keep doing the other things in life that you share an interest in as friends.
Stay connected with a balance of face to face, phone chats and text catch ups.
Acknowledge and lean into his interests, resources and strengths. Just as you are there to assist him, be willing to accept help and support from him.
Look after yourself
- In order to be the best place to help someone else, it is important that you also prioritise your own wellbeing. Make sure you double down on your self-care and staying connected.
- It can be hard to accept that someone close to you is feeling suicidal and you may feel a range of emotions, including fear, anger, confusion, or frustration which are all normal.
- Identify someone supportive to talk with, maybe friends, mates, colleagues, a family member or a health professional.
- Prioritise your wellbeing. Keep up your regular routine, Make sure you continue to engage in your usual activities, stay connected with supportive friends, try not to let concerns overwhelm your life.
Check out our SAMSN Wellbeing section and Support Options
Prioritise safety and wellbeing
Please note, the information contained on this page is general in content and is not a substitute for professional advice. We encourage you to prioritise your safety and wellbeing at all times and to consider speaking with a qualified health care professional.
If you are experiencing a crisis or are concerned about your personal safety or the safety of another person call Emergency services – 000 or Lifeline – 13 11 14.
DISCLAIMER: The information contained in this page is general in content and is not a substitute for professional advice.