Confronting Shame

Introduction

Shame is an overwhelming and often debilitating emotion that can profoundly impact the lives of survivors of childhood sexual abuse.  Included below is information designed to support male survivors in distancing themselves, addressing and overcoming the burden of shame.

Prioritise your wellbeing: At SAMSN, we recognise that shame can be a particularly challenging topic and therefore do encourage you to continue to prioritise your wellbeing. 

Key messages

  • Shame is different from guilt in that it can overwhelm and undermine our sense of self
  • Those who commit offences benefit from survivors struggles with shame
  • Men confront additional layers of shame related to restrictive gender expectations
  • Empathy, encouragement and support disempower shame
  • Developing self-compassion and actively empowering ourselves helps to disentangle and distance us from feelings of shame.

Addressing Shame

Part of the challenge of addressing shame, is to understand how it operates and the ways it can impact our:

  • Mental Health: leading to depression, anxiety, PTSD, eating disorders
  • Relationships: our ability to form and maintain positive relationships.
  • Ways of coping: leading to isolation, addiction, substance use, risk-taking, self-harm, suicidal thoughts

Significantly, shame impacts our sense of self – our self-Image, self-esteem and self-worth.  Shame can become a filter, negatively shaping how we make sense of and interact with the world.

“Shame is the intensely painful feeling or experience of believing that we are flawed and therefore unworthy of love, belonging and connection.’ B.Brown ‘Atlas of the Heart: Mapping Meaningful Connection and the Language of Human Experience 2021:137

Shame is different from guilt: Guilt relates to an act. Guilt relates to a judgement or feeling that someone is responsible for doing something wrong. You might be guilty of a crime or doing a bad thing and still be seen and see yourself as an ok person.  

Shame can overwhelm us: Shame is different from guilt, in that it can infiltrate and shape how we see ourselves as a person: ‘I have been involved with this bad thing, hence I am a bad person’ – ‘I am shameful’.  As Shannon Molloy highlights in his conversation with another survivor, shame can overwhelm us:

“We each feel shame about the things that live inside of us.  The shame is potent and choking.  It’s much more than just shame on its own, though. It’s as though shame has been stitched to shame, then welded to some more shame, some kind of Frankenstein-like monstrous creation.” Shannon Molloy: ‘You Made Me This Way’ 2023:204.

It is this potential to consume our identity and take over our sense of who we are as a person that makes shame so debilitating.

The power of shame to silence: For those who have experienced child sexual abuse, a particularly destructive aspect of shame is its power to silence us. It isolates us, makes us feel alone and inhibits our help seeking.

People who offend benefit from victim/survivors carrying misplaced shame: Shame tells the survivor that they bear some responsibility for what occurred, that they will be in trouble, judged and punished if people know and therefore they have to ‘keep the secret’.  When in reality, it is the person who offended who should be carrying the burden of shame

Encouraging shame: People who offend do not see victim/survivors as powerless. They recognise the ongoing potential power of the victim/survivor to expose what is happening, they therefore work hard to make the victim/survivor feel responsible. Those who offend know that if a child or adult feels shame, fearful, responsible, culpable or compromised in some way, they are less likely to disclose abuse. See our companion page ‘Grooming, Entrapment and Resistance’.

Shame thrives on secrecy: As Brenee Brown highlights, shame is tricky, in that it stops us from speaking about what has happened and at the same time it becomes more powerful when we don’t speak:

‘Shame derives its power from being unspeakable…Shame thrives on secrecy, silence, and judgement. If you put shame into a petri dish and douse it with these three things, it will grow exponentially into every corner and crevice of our lives.’ B. Brown ‘ 2021:137 Atlas of the Heart: Mapping Meaningful Connection and the Language of Human Experience

The more shame-full, alone and isolated a survivor feels, the more shame thrives and the person offending benefits.

Men report confronting layers of shame: In mapping ways forward, we recognize that male survivors can confront layers of shame that intertwine with ideas of how a man should be and act in the world, with traditional societal beliefs that a man ‘should be’ strong, in control, self-reliant, rational, logical, problem solver, (not a victim or vulnerable).  Male survivors report feeling:

  • Shame for what happened, for what he did or didn’t do, for freezing
  • Shame for not telling someone then or now, for preventing abuse or saving a friend
  • Shame for not coping at the time or after, for not holding it together, for crying, not being able to manage emotions
  • Shame for the things he did to cope and survive
  • Shame because of how people look or might look at him, judge and respond
  • Shame for being a man and not measuring up to masculine expectations, for not taking revenge
  • Shame for being involved in same sex – sex acts (a legacy of homophobic societal belies), or becoming physically aroused
  • Shame for not enjoying sex with a female, ‘as men should’, even shame for not feeling shame
  • Shame for the things he has done to himself and others
  • Shame for not being able to hold down a job, being unable to read or write, for needing help

There is no suggestion here that there is anything inherently wrong with identified ‘masculine characteristics’, many are useful ways of being and acting that help us live life to the full and get through tough times.  However, it is useful to find ways to navigate restrictive gendered expectations that can amplify shame, like the unhelpful misinformation that a real man cannot be a victim or appear vulnerable.

Also, it is unhelpful when the above identified ‘feelings of shame’ include an evaluation of ‘what kind of man or person this means you are’.  Part of the challenge in building a positive future, is to distance our-selves from shame.   

Overcoming Shame

Overcoming shame can be tricky and take a bit of work: Everyone’s experience is unique and there is no single intervention that is guaranteed to assist.  What is clear is that all survivors deserve and benefit from empathy, compassion and support in seeking to overcome shame.  

Expose shame to empathy.   A powerful means of addressing shame is to expose it to empathy.   Whereas silence and secrecy amplify feelings of shame, talking with someone who provides an empathetic, compassionate response can loosen its hold.

“The antidote to shame is empathy. If we reach out and share our shame experience with someone who responds with empathy, shame dissipates. Shame needs you to believe that you’re alone. Empathy is a hostile environment for shame.” B. Brown ‘ 2021:137 Atlas of the Heart: Mapping Meaningful Connection and the Language of Human Experience

Moving beyond disclosure to directly address shame.  At SAMSN, we recognise that while letting someone know that you have experienced abuse is one step (See Disclosure: Deciding to Tell), the idea of talking with someone about shame and its impact can feel like a step too far.  We acknowledging that confronting shame can be particularly challenging and therefore suggest accessing specialist support.

Find a health professional or counsellor who is experienced in working with men to address the legacy of sexual abuse AND shame. An experienced practitioner, guided by up-to-date knowledge, professional ethics and standards, can work with you, providing a trauma informed, confidential, compassionate service aimed at empowering and assisting you:

“Talking about shame brings a sense of control. That control gives us the strength to overcome our feelings and move forward with our lives.”

Empowering you: In foregrounding the value of accessing confidential professional support, we recognise that for many this can feel like way too big a step right now.  Detailed below is information to empower you in disentangling from shame.

Practice self-care and prioritise your wellbeing: Like when confronting any challenge, it helps to lean into our strengths, to enhance our skills, knowledge and overall wellbeing.  Involving ourselves in activities that enhance our physical and mental health are a good starting place, especially given we know that abuse and shame stress both our bodies and minds. Check out the below resources:

Anchor yourself in the present: Given that shame has the power to quickly sweep us away, it is worth building our capacity to ground and anchor ourselves in the present, to increase our ability to manage strong emotions, difficult thoughts and memories and tackle shame when it does appear:

Recognise the value of self-compassion:  While the voice of shame may tell you that you do not deserve empathy and compassion and might throw up thoughts like ‘if only you knew’, the reality is that self-compassion is a powerful ally in disarming shame. 

Cultivate self-compassion

  • Offer yourself encouragement, kindness and care to get through tough times
  • Be understanding and tolerant, recognising that like everyone else you are not perfect
  • Practice generosity of spirit, patience and respect for others and self
  • Be as kind to yourself as you would a friend or fellow survivor.

Many men struggle with self-compassion.  Men can be more familiar with judgement and criticism, which can feed shame, than self-compassion. Men can worry that offering self-compassion is going easy on themselves, letting themselves off the hook and will lead to them becoming soft and self-indulgent.  

Foregrounding care and compassion does not let us off the hook or ‘deny the truth’, self-compassion helps us to nurture and reconnect with ourselves and be in a better place to address past injustice and shame.

Check out our companion page – Introduction to Self-Compassion

You might trial – the below exercise suggested by Dr Kristin Neff  to provide a short self-compassion break:

‘Ask yourself, “What do I need to hear right now to express kindness to myself?” Is there a phrase that speaks to you in your particular situation, such as:

  • May I give myself the compassion that I need
  • May I learn to accept myself as I am
  • May I forgive myself
  • May I be strong
  • May I be patient’  – See Self-Compassion

If you found it difficult to hear and accept some of the above statements of self-compassion, then we encourage you to offer yourself self-compassion and recognize that we are all a work in progress.

Consider tapping into the power of groups and peer support to address shame AND enhance self-compassion.  Survivor groups, peer support and talking with a fellow survivor has a unique potential to address shame.  The shared connection, support and empathy of those ‘who have been there’ and ‘knows what it is like’ can help to identify and disempower shame and highlight shame that is not yours to carry.  As one survivor says:

‘Groups are confronting. They make you stop and think, “Why have I been beating up on myself, when there is no way I’m going to lump shit and shame on the fellow next to me for the horror he’s been through?” It’s madness’ 

Tackling shame related to child sexual abuse is complex.  In sharing the information included here, we do not underestimate the challenges in confronting and distancing ourselves from shame.  Working with a health care professional or in preparation for talking with someone it can be helpful to:

  • Double down on self-care and actively ground yourself in the present, before tackling shame
  • Develop awareness of scenarios, thoughts and memories that can trigger feelings of shame AND what helps you to disengage, manage better and get you back on track
  • Distance and differentiate yourself from the ‘feeling of shame’ – you are who you are in the present with all the potential for change and living a valued life: shame is a feeling attached to past experiences
  • Move beyond restrictive gender stereotypes: expand options, acknowledge strengths and vulnerabilities, cultivate connection and embrace empathy
  • Acknowledge vulnerabilities, physical and emotional, as a cornerstone of empathy and compassion for self and others and of being human
  • Be conscious that dealing with shame does not require digging everything up, trawling through all that we identify as ‘shame-full’ – it is about acknowledgement of painful, distressing experiences, allocating and accepting responsibility where appropriate, making meaning in the present, foregrounding empathy and compassion with a view to an improved future
  • Suspend judgement and when the time is right to look again and review ‘with adult eyes’ with compassion and kindness how shame came into your life
  • Recognise that ‘back then’ was a different time and place and you were a child
  • Remind yourself that forgiveness is a personal choice and it maybe that upon reviewing questions of responsibility you identify that you have nothing to forgive
  • Be careful not to use knowledge and resources that you have ‘now’ to beat up on yourself in the present, watch out for ‘should’ve’ and ‘could’ve’ or judging the child who was just trying to get through and stay alive
  • Be aware that expressions of regret and discomfort (and feelings of shame) related to what you were involved in or did in the past, marks you out as a person with a moral compass in the present seeking an improved future
  • Watch out for self-blame.  Just because you feel responsible, does not mean you are – those who offend, invest time in you feeling responsible. Once again, do check out our companion page ‘Grooming, Entrapment and Resistance’.

Seek Professional Help: In recognition of the trickiness of shame and how it can take hold, we do encourage you seek support from an experienced health care professional  

Remember: Healing from abuse is a process, and it’s normal to experience setbacks along the way. Do continue to cultivate a positive sense of self in the present. Be patient with yourself and celebrate your progress, no matter how small. You deserve to live a life free from shame and full of self-compassion.

References

B.Brown ‘Atlas of the Heart: Mapping Meaningful Connection and the Language of Human Experience 2021:137
S. Molloy: ‘You Made Me This Way’ 2023:204.

DISCLAIMER: The information contained in this page is general in content and is not a substitute for professional advice.