‘Attachment’ is the term used by psychologists to describe a person’s relationship style. ‘Attachment’ is created by how we were treated as young children by our parents or caregivers. These experiences effect how we feel and behave, and what we expect, in relationships.
Attachment has a big impact on how we respond to trauma, particularly childhood trauma.
What is ‘Attachment’?
Babies first learn how to interact with others through interacting with their caregivers. Babies have biological needs for safety, care, comfort and play. They learn to signal and to respond to their caregivers to try to get these things. But, if a caregiver can’t meet some of these needs, or can only meet them under limited circumstances, the child will shape his behaviour – and to a large extent, his personality – to get as many of his needs met as he can.
Our attachment style is basically the way we adapted to the caregiving styles of the people who raised us. This has a lifelong effect on what we expect from other people and how we manage relationships throughout our lives.
Attachment and the ‘Window of Tolerance’
The ‘Window of Tolerance’ is the state of mind where we can cope with stress and anxiety, including trauma triggers, without tipping over into a fight-or-flight or an overwhelm/shutdown response. We have talked about the Window in other Readings and during the Eight-week Support group.
Babies’ undeveloped brains can’t manage their own distress, so they need parents or caregivers to do it for them until they grow. Caregivers who are in tune with the baby will calm him when he is scared or upset, and stimulate him with interaction or play when he is low. This develops the parts of the brain which help us manage intense feelings and in time, manage our own Windows of Tolerance.
How we learn to attach during these developmental years also influences how (or if) we use connection with other people to help stay in our Windows. If these pathways in the brain don’t get the chance to grow in childhood, a man ends up with fewer resources to keep himself calm.
Attachment styles
Psychologists have identified four different ‘styles’ of attachment. It is useful to know what our attachment style is, to help us better understand ourselves in relationships, particularly at those times when relationships are stressful or painful.
‘Secure’ attachment
We grow up with ‘secure’ attachment when our caregivers kept us safe, and reliably and consistently respond positively to our needs and feelings. People with ‘secure’ attachment find it fairly easy to be with people and to trust them, and tend not to be anxious in relationships.
Humans have evolved to use connection to others as the most biologically effective way to comfort or calm themselves down. People with ‘secure’ styles are relatively good at using relationships with others to help them manage distress, and also tend to have fairly good internal coping skills. In other words, they have wider Windows of Tolerance.
‘Ambivalent’ attachment
‘Ambivalent’ attachment develops when a parent or caregiver isn’t consistent in being available, responsive, or safe. There can be lots of reasons for this, from difficult economic circumstances to domestic violence, mental health or addiction issues. In conditions like these, the infant learns he has to make a lot of noise to be noticed and cared for, which means he develops heightened and easily ‘set off’ feelings. These men often talk about ‘going from zero to a hundred’ very quickly.
People with this style find it hard to believe that that loved ones are reliable, so they may develop anxiety, jealousy and controlling behaviours. (This style is sometimes called ‘anxious’ attachment because of this). They can feel attacked or disrespected in relationships, and fear betrayal or abandonment. For men, this may be covered by a tough front, manifesting itself as touchy, aggressive and controlling, or as dependent and emotionally dramatic. Their sense of self can be reliant on the acceptance and compliance of others.
People with ‘ambivalent’ attachment styles tend to have narrower Windows of Tolerance, and ‘fall out’ of the Window mostly in the direction of flight-or-flight (anxious or aggressive behaviour).
‘Avoidant’ attachment
‘Avoidant’ attachment develops when caregivers are distant or unavailable, and the child finds himself unable to connect with them. The child doesn’t get the opportunity to learn how to manage his feelings through interaction with a carer, and has to rely on his own limited resources. As a result, they tend to shut down or numb their feelings. In relationships, they are likely to keep a distance or withdraw.
They don’t feel the intense distress of people with the ‘ambivalent’ style, but also find it harder to experience joyful or happy feelings. They may be unaware of their own feelings and needs, afraid to experience strong emotions, and find it hard to manage conflict. Their sense of self is muted and empathy may be difficult or avoided. They tend to have narrower Windows of Tolerance, and ‘fall out’ of the Window more easily in the direction of shutdown and avoidant behaviour.
‘Disorganised’[1] attachment
This style comes from an abusive and/or neglectful upbringing, where the caregivers themselves are a source of distress or threat. In these circumstances, a child can never feel safe.
These children aren’t able to learn many skills in managing feelings and can live most of their lives outside the Window of Tolerance. They may experience continual counter-activation of painful feelings: feeling fear and distress both on being alone and on reaching out to others. They may switch rapidly between fight-flight energy and shutdown, and can experience their selves as hollow or unreal. They tend to live chaotic lives and may have encounters with the mental health and justice systems.
Note: While the last three styles are harder to live with than the ‘secure’ style, this does not mean that a person with these styles is weak or has failed in some way. A child has no control over how his attachment style develops, because a baby has no control over the behaviour or circumstances of his caregivers. Attachment is doing the best we can with the caregivers we have.
Attachment and trauma
Attachment is a big factor in how we deal with trauma. If a man grows up not feeling loved or safe, it will be harder for him to cope with trauma, even if the trauma didn’t happen in the childhood home. Troubled attachment development makes recovery from trauma harder.
Attachment and seeking safety after trauma
We have talked previously about how seeking connection and comfort from others, particularly in close relationships, is the most biologically effective way for a person to bring themselves back within their Window of Tolerance. Securely attached men will find it much easier to reach out and to trust and confide in others. Ambivalently attached men have a harder time with trust, and may fear that reaching out or disclosing abuse might drive loved ones away. Avoidantly attached men are less likely to reach out at all, which puts a lot more pressure on their other coping mechanisms. And ‘disorganizedly’ attached men find it nearly impossible to rely on others for support without being triggered further.
[1] Despite this term, this style is not ‘disorganised’ at all but is a logical adaptation to a frightening and confusing childhood.